Don't Starve: Shenanigans
by rainbowthefox
Summary: Wilson is surrounded by idiots. (A humorous collection of skits involving the Don't Starve characters.)


Wilson P. Higgsbury was a busy man.

His days would usually be consisted of working on in his lab, coming up with a new invention, or practicing chemistry. Ever since Maxwell challenged him to a new game of Survival, Wilson found himself occupied with other things. Like picking berries off of bushes, chopping down trees for their wood, picking flowers to maintain his sanity...

Or dealing with this stupidity.

* * *

"Wait," He said. "Where did Willow go? Wasn't she here a second ag-"

He was interrupted by the sound of several trees going into the flames. From afar, they could see a whole forest burning down. Wilson threw his hands in the air.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"

Soon enough, the sight of the flames disappeared and the wind started to smell like ash. Out of the darkness came Willow; currently holding a lighter as well as a dead branch.

"I got your wood you asked for."

"THE TREES, WILLOW, THE TREES!" Wilson exclaimed. "THE ONES THAT YOU JUST BURNT DOWN!"

"What about them?"

The scientist let out a groan as he sat back on the log, rubbing his temples in frustration. Wendy looked at him.

"What's wrong, mister?"

Wilson hesitated for a moment before taking a breath. He'd end up losing all his sanity by the end f the night if this continued.

"Nothing. It's just...That wood was our only hope on keeping the fire going. Twigs and grass aren't going to help us for long."

"Why didn't science man just go and chop down trees?" Wolfgang asked. "We're surrounded by pine-ys!"

"I couldn't," Wilson turned to give Willow a glare. "Because someone BURNT THEM ALL."

"What about the wood we set aside earlier today?" Wendy asked.

"I burnt those, too." Willow smiled.

" **AHHH!** " Wolfgang exclaimed; getting everyone to look at him. " **THE FIRE'S GOING OUT!** **SCIENCE MAN, DO SOMETHING**!"

"Don't worry," Woodie said, taking his toothpick out of his mouth. "I'll take care of this."

Everyone watched Woodie stand before the low fire. He waited a few moments before taking a breath and held it; his cheeks puffing out from all the oxygen in his mouth. Wilson's eyes widened.

"WOODIE, DON'T-"

 _WHOOSH!_

Several gasps were heard upon the sight of Woodie blowing out the fire. It remained silent as everyone stood still in the darkness. Once they heard the sound of the night creature, they started to panic.

 _"BIG MAN NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR DARKNESS! WOLFGANG WANTS HIS MOMMY!_

 _"OPTICAL SENSORS DEACTIVATED. ERROR! ERROR!"_

 _"WOODIE, GET OVER HERE! YOU KILLED MY PRECIOUS FIRE!"_

 _ **"LOOK! SCIENCE MAN HAS FIRE!"**_

In the middle of the darkness stood Wilson; holding a torch as he watched the stupidity go on around him.

Everyone made their way towards him and gathered around Wilson, hoping to be in the fire's light and away from the darkness. As they all huddled in the middle of the dark, Wilson sighed and held his torch up in the air.

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

 **"AHHHHHHHHH!"**

Everyone at the camp jolted up at the scream and ran out of their tents with weapons at hand, ready to fight whatever monster dared to enter their camp. What came in sight was of Woodie frantically running around in circles; letting out loud, girlish screams that even Wolfgang couldn't manage if he tried.

Willow narrowed her eyes. "What's wrong?"

"LUCY!" Woodie exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. "I LOST HER! SHE WAS SITTIN' OVER THERE AND NOW SHE'S GONE!"

He pointed over to the fire pit, and everyone looked. The only thing remaining there was of the ashes from last night's fire as well as some burnt sticks. No sign of an axe anywhere.

"Where do you think it could've gone?" Wendy asked, looking at Willow. She shrugged.

"Stolen, probably."

 _"STOLEN!?"_ Woodie repeated. "I AIN'T GONNA' TOLERATE THAT! WE NEED A SEARCH PARTY FOR LUCY, STAT!"

"We're _NOT_ starting a search party for your axe." Willow crossed her arms.

Wes made his way over to Woodie and offered him _his_ axe, which only got him smacked in the face.

"NO AXE CAN REPLACE LUCY! IF YOU GUYS WON'T HELP ME, THEN I'LL FIND HER ON MY OWN!"

With that, Woodie then shoved the mime aside as he angrily made his way into the woods. Wolfgang clasped his hands around his mouth towards the retreating figure.

" **WHILE WOOD MAN OUT THERE, GET BREAKFAST! STRONG MAN'S BELLY NEED FILLED!"**

* * *

While Woodie ventured out in the woods for his typical nonsense, the others decided to go get some food on their own.

They were split into two groups; one having Wilson, Wolfgang, Wes, and WX-78 and Willow, Wendy, and Woodie in the other group. Wilson's entourage was currently discussing their brilliant ideas on getting food as they made their way to the Rocky land biomes.

 _"Strongman say we attack the hives! Crush all the honey out of them and use tiny, fat insects' stingers as toothpicks!"_

 _"Negative. Sensors indicate stupid suggestion. WX-78 suggests using human flesh as sustenance."_

"Quiet," Wilson shushed them as he started to walk on the dead grass. "We're here."

The four of them looked and saw the familiar nesting area of the Tallbirds. Many of them were currently asleep; rolled into balls as they guarded their nests. Wilson tilted his head, trying to find an exposed one that they could steal from.

It didn't take long before Wilson spotted an exposed nest. It stood on top of a boulder and an egg was placed neatly in the middle, looking extremely delicious. Wolfgang licked his lips while Wilson felt some drool hang on the side of his mouth.

The scientist wiped it off before motioning to the others to follow him. They quickly made their way over to the nesting area and started to tiptoe their way in; being careful to avoid stepping on any of the birds.

When they finally made their way to the nest, Wilson leaned in and got a firm grip of the egg. He carefully lifted it out as he held it to his chest, turning to give the others a nod. They then started to tiptoe their way out, trying to be as quiet as possible.

 _Crack!_

The three of them immediately whipped around and saw Wes stepping on a stick that was snapped in half. He looked up and gave them a sheepish smile.

As if it were the loudest thing in the universe, all the Tallbirds immediately woke up and stood, looking around for the source of the noise. When they saw the four intruders, they started to charge.

"TACTICAL RETREAT! TACTICAL RETREAT!" Wilson shouted to the others.

A tactical retreat was different from running away, in ways that none of the others were smart enough to know. Nonetheless, everything had gone wrong, so the smartest thing to do would be to leave.

A whole herd of angry Tallbirds chased after them. They were enraged that they'd stolen their eggs, and looked at them with about as much malice as one can have with only one eye.

"WES!" Wolfgang yelled. "DISTRACT ANGRY BIRDS!"

If Wilson wasn't busy (running away) tactically retreating, he would have face palmed. "You're leaving the MIME to stop them?!"

They saw Wes trying to mime an invisible wall as they ran off into the distance.

* * *

"There you are," Willow said nonchalantly, watching the three run into camp. "We've been looking for you."

Wilson and Wolfgang stopped and clutched their knees; taking a moment to catch their breath. WX-78 grabbed the egg out of Wilson's hands and offered it to Willow.

"Mission complete. Sustenance achieved."

Willow took the egg and looked back at the three. She asked, "Where's Wes?"

* * *

Two days had passed since Wes's brave wall-miming, and there was no sight nor sound of him anywhere. Naturally, no sound, what with him being mute, but still. No sight of him.

Wendy considered making a grave for him, since he was the only person anywhere near her age in the group. It was like losing Abigail all over again...

Suddenly, off in the distance, a figure approached. Covered in mud, bird poop, and several other substances, was Wes. On his back was a makeshift backpack, filled with Tallbird eggs. He carried two more eggs in his arms as well.

Wendy was overjoyed to see her silent friend safe and sound(less).

WX-87 looked at the young mime. "WES HAS RETURNED WITH THE SUSTENANCE. FOUGHT TALLBIRDS AND LIVED. CONCLUSION: WES IS THE NEW LEADER."

"WHAT!?" Wilson exclaimed, watching everyone run to the mime and hug him. The scientist twitched as he watch them lift Wes up and toss him up in the air, chanting his name over and over again. He face palmed.

Wolfgang approached WX-78, who had snuck out of camp and was sitting some distance away.

"What is copper man doing?" he asked.

"Disgusting human life forms..." WX-78 said in a more human-like tone than usual. "WAIT. SORRY. I MEANT TO SAY: DISGUSTING HUMAN LIFE FORMS."

A compartment on WX-78's chest was open, with some parts having been removed. It looked like he was in the process of cleaning them.

"Oh, copper man's chest is like box, yes? Contains organs! My chest is also like box that contains organs. But it doesn't open."

WX-78 tried to ignore the strongman, working on de-mucking a certain part.

" _Oooooh_ , what this object be doing?!" Wolfgang said, messing with a certain piece inside the robot. He reconnected a few loose wires to a long-rusted object.

"STOP THAT, Y-Y-Y-Y-Y"

WX-78 froze. He fell limp, and for a while, Wolfgang thought he had killed the mechanical man. A few minutes later, he suddenly jumped up again.

"EMPATY MODULE RESPONDING!" he suddenly yelled, giving the strongman a terrible fright.

Immediately, the robot wept tears of oil. "FORGIVE ME FOR INSULTING YOU, WOLFGANG. IT WAS RATHER HEARTLESS OF ME."

"Ah, okay, it is!" he said, slapping WX-78 on the back. Suddenly, the part inside of him that Wolfgang had fixed came loose again.

Immediately, the robot shoved him away. " **DON'T TOUCH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!** "

* * *

The shadow creatures seemed a bit more active now than usual. They roamed at the edge of Maxwell's vision, giving him the idea that they were agitated.

"Go on." he said. "What's wrong?"

In a collective voice that sounded like the incarnation of Satan himself, they spoke. "Your contestants are causing trouble."

"What?" he said. Maxwell had taken precautions to make sure this didn't happen. Namely, picking a band of idiots who would be too dumb to do anything bad. "Show me."

An orb of light formed in front of his face, and in a moment, he could see his contestants.

"Oh god..." Maxwell muttered, looking at the scene of chaos before him.

"ANIMALS! FIRE! ANIMALS ON FIRE!" Wolfgang bellowed at the top of his lungs.

"SCIENCE, WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME?!" Wilson screamed, as a flaming rabbit chased after him. A flaming rabbit with teeth far too big for it to actually be a rabbit.

" **LARGE AMOUNTS OF DEATH IMMENANT!** "

"My own kind!" screamed Woody, who was chased by beavers. Flaming beavers. "Please, can't we see reason?!"

None of them had any idea how exactly this had happened. All they knew is that Wolfgang, Woody and Willow were playing around with the science machine, and then they were attacked by a whole heard of beavers and rabbits, all of which were on fire.

Wilson sighed before going back to screaming in terror. He made a mental note to never let anybody touch the science machine, ever.

* * *

"But Wilson! I swear I saw it!"

"For the last time, Wendy," Wilson said. "There is no such thing as a human-spider."

"But it was right there! He was small, and had the voice of someone my age! He said it tried to eat him a long time ago, but he killed it from the inside-out!"

Wilson groaned. She'd been on and on about this new "friend" she'd played with for around twenty minutes now. Wendy could be a little out there at times, but this was a lot, even for her.

* * *

Wilson was stunned. Plus, he felt incredibly dumb. As it turned out, there actually was a spider boy, who had played with Wendy. He came back with her one day, and joined their group of survivors.

Several days had passed since then, and nothing much interesting had happened. They survived like normal, though they had a few more supplies, since the spider boy (who, as they learned, was named Webber) was surprisingly competent for his age.

On one early morning, as the sun rose and warded off the Night Monster, something truly terrible happened.

Spiders.

There had to be hundreds of the damned things, and these were no common house spiders. They were the size of a basketball, each and every one of them. Wolfgang cried like a little baby (and just about everybody present felt like joining him), but they all grabbed their weapons and prepared to fight. Woody had lost his spear and had reluctantly decided to use Lucy as a weapon. He muttered some encouragement to his axe.

"WAIT!", Webber shouted. "Let me talk to them first!"

Webber ran in front of the approaching army, his arms held out. "Spiders, please, listen to me!"

He cleared his throat.

 **"KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL! THEY HAVE YOUR EGGS!"**

* * *

"Hey, shadow demons?" Maxwell said, more out of habit at this point than any sort of hope. "Could you find it in your hearts or souls - assuming you have those - to let me go?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No!"

"...Pretty please?"

The restraints on his arms tightened, to the point of pain. Maxwell knew he'd gone too far this time, but it didn't matter. Pain meant nothing to him. He was Maxwell the Magnificent! He would stick to his guns, and complete his flawless plan.

"Pretty, pretty please?"

The shadow monsters became angry, and decided to punish him in the worst way they could.

They turned up the record player.

 _"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

* * *

 **"WAKEY WAKEY EGGS AND BAKEY!"**

Everyone was woken up by the sound of someone banging a stick against something metal. When everyone got out of their tents, they spotted Woodie next to the campfire with a bell in his hand, striking it. Wilson's eyes widened once he realized exactly what bell he was holding.

"WOODIE, DON'T-"

* * *

"You just gotta' be quiet," Wilson said, adjusting the bush on his head. "Otherwise they'll know you're there."

"Yeah, sure," Willow rolled her eyes. Can't we just let the trap catch them and check up on it later?"

"Nonsense! The food might escape!"

Willow had been enduring this nonsense for half an hour. She expected the insanity from everyone else, but for Wilson to go completely bonkers was certainly out of the blue. He dragged her out from camp and into the woods just to give her advice on catching rabbits.

You know, even though they had plenty of carrots and berries back at the camp.

"Look," Wilson said, turning to her. "I understand you guys are fine with the diet of carrots and berries, but a scientist _needs_ meat."

He adjusted himself on the ground a few yards across from a rabbit hole. One of the little fellows was currently sniffing the ground around it in search of food. Wilson tugged on his disguise.

"Just watch."

With that, he tiptoed over to the hole and laid the trap near away the rabbit. Before it could see, he quickly jumped into his bush hat and sat completely still. The rabbit looked over, sniffing in his direction. Right when it was about to step into the trap, a sudden voice scared it away.

 _"Ah! I've been looking for a bush all day!"_

Willow's eyes widened as her head snapped to the voice, only to see Woodie making his way over to the disguised Wilson. Once she heard the sound of him unzipping his pants, she ran over to him.

 **"WOODIE, NO!"**


End file.
